Saturated

Saturated.

That is the perfect word to describe me and my life right now.  Full to the max, plus just a wee bit more.  Life just seems to be dripping off of me.   I leave puddles of it all over the place.

It's a daily struggle to keep it all together.  Just to not lose too much throughout the day.  I do my best to make sure the kids are picked up, the house is sanitary and not a disaster, we go on a vacation every once in a while, the bills are paid, I am on time to work and give enough of myself to a career I do enjoy but which carries so much responsibility, but not giving all of myself so that I have none to give to my true joys and reasons for living, all while not completely ignoring and becoming a stranger to my partner in crime.

It's a lot.  Every.single.day.

This saturation right now, I realize this is what I have always hoped for.  What I have worked so hard to get to someday.  All those years going to college, working several jobs at a time, scraping by.  All the decisions that I have made was to get here.

I feel like I finally made it.  I am a real adult.  As I went through life, checking boxes off my list, I still felt like I was a kid just trying to figure it all out.  As if all my life decisions didn't really affect anyone else but me.  It sounds silly but I didn't feel like a true adult until I had my second kid.  Then it all hit me.  Holy crap, I am responsible for other humans who are completely vulnerable and have no choice.  I have to say yes or no to sugar, screens, spanking and a million other big and small decisions.  It was exciting and scary and overwhelming.

I kinda sorta want time to stop.  I would be lying if I said I am a little scared to keep moving forward beyond this time in my life.  Will having older kids and being older myself be just as great?  I cringe a little when I hear, "You will look back on these days and wish they were still little" or "once this stage is done, you will so miss it."  Does that mean I will be miserable and sad in a few years, knowing that the "best days" are gone?  Will I forever view parents of little kids through a lens of green envy?  Is it all downhill from here?

I hope not.  I hope that seeing these kids grow into adults and growing older myself will be just as interesting and fun as it was getting here.