I had like 15 different blog posts all written in my head for today. But I can't commit to any of them. In a way, it has been less emotional that I thought it would be. Waiting for the bus and the actual act of seeing him board the bus left me happy and excited for him, not very sad. But then when I go to write here, I feel like maple syrup inside.
After last week, I am ready for this week to be MUCH better in the parenting department. Last week was the big teacher meet and greet. I hurried out of work and picked up the kids from daycare and rushed home. I placed Sydney in my nephew's capable hands and quickly grabbed the bag of supplies that I so carefully purchased from the supply list that was sent home from the school, picking out the perfect sizes, colors and quantities of things. I sped to the school feeling excited and a little nervous for my little 4 year old.
Only when we got there, there were only 2 cars in the parking lot. I thought it would be a lot busier than that for back to school night but as quick as I could, I unbuckled Sully and grabbed the forms that I carefully filled out and bag full of supplies and we headed for the door. It was locked. This had to be a mistake, we walked to a side door and that was also locked. It was then that I looked at the paperwork and saw the teacher meet and greet was the day before. Moisture accumulated in my eyes as I ushered Sully back to the car. "Geez, I guess we really didn't need to hurry, did we Mom?" Sully teased. I buckled him back into the seat and shut his door. I walked to the back of my car and broke down, crying hysterically. I messed up the first teacher meet and greet I was dealt. GAH! It was crushing to me! I am supposed to be his mother. Which means I am supposed to get these this right, damn it!
You see, I still remember a time when I didn't know if I would get the privilege of attending back to school events for my kids. I didn't know if I would ever be able to have a child. And when I think back to that time, back to school days, supply lists and backpacks were right there at the top of the list of things I could not wait to experience.
So it was incredibly upsetting to me. But not Sully. Mostly he just thought I was so ridiculous for making him hurry so much when there was nothing to see or do. It just rolled right off of his tiny shoulders but not before a small morsel of fear crept in when he whispered, "what if my teacher if mean?" And then he was over it. And it barely even phased him when we sent him to bike day the next day with flat tires on his bike. I told the hubs to make sure the training wheels were tight but neither one of us even thought about checking the tires for air! As a kid, I would have been mortified by this. I would have tried to physically turn my body inside out so no one would see me. But not Sully. He just said, "Yeah, it was pretty hard to pedal my bike today. It made me tired!"
He has so much more confidence and resilience than I did at that age (I think). I am in awe of these qualities in him and I am so thankful he has them. He may be physically small (which he hates) but he sure makes up for it in personality and spirit and heart.
But here we are, we made it despite any of our short comings, screw ups, meltdowns and struggles. We made it. He made it. And I made it.
I can't wait to go pick him up from daycare and ask him all about it. I am sure he will have a lot to tell me, he always does:)