Balance

It has been quiet on the blog lately.  Life is so full these days.  Which is awesome and great and wonderful.  And exhausting.  Like all parents out there, I find it hard to find perfect balance in my life.  A perfect balance that allows me to be efficient and effective at work, present at home and fulfilling to myself.  I am not perfect so at any given time, something usually suffers.  Lately, it has been the blogging.  Although, I have been quite busy on projects, makeovers and crafts.  I just have not shared them because I could not put the perfect words to the perfect pictures with the perfect lighting (or as perfect as I am capable of with my limited photography skills).

You see, I have this problem with perfection.  Sometimes it is crippling.  If I can't do it perfectly, why do it?  I don't want to put a product out there that was not put out there with my best efforts.  This problem with perfection has been with me ever since I was little.  If I could not be one of the best players on the team, why play (basketball, softball)?  It can make your life really small.  Until you are living in a tiny box, terrified of not being perfect.

I am old enough and know myself well enough now to see it for what it is.  After about 2 weeks, I realized where I was heading.  Instead of being disappointed I had to go back on my medication, I was relieved I had a solution.  Grateful to have something to pull me back to where I want to be.

So lets not waste anymore time and let me show you what I have been up to....

Here is a before pic of my dining room.  Lots of room for parties:)  We used it a lot when entertaining but not at all when not entertaining.  I wanted this to be a more useable space.  I mean, its huge and it was just sitting idle most of the time.  And my craft/sewing/toy/guest room was busting at the seams.  So I thought, why not move all my craft supplies to the dining room and get a nice, big table to craft (and dine) at?  And that was the purpose behind the change.

Also, I wanted to purge the laminate book shelves that I painted black 10 years ago.  It was time!  And I wanted to change up my gallery wall.

This the best before pic of where my fireplace was that was taken within the past 6 months.  Oops.

After selling my table, chairs and bar stools, I moved the fireplace to the area where the dining table was.  Between the patio door and window.  Immediately, the room felt different.  More cozy and it made sense.  I should have had it there all along!  Gah!

To fill the empty wall this move left behind, I searched thrift stores for a small dresser or cabinet and I was fortunate enough to find this guy.

I sanded it down (I LOATHE sanding).  Then I took a 50/50 mixture of white latex paint and water and painted sections then rubbed it off.  Like I was staining.  I put the knobs back on and it turned out PERFECT!  Double bonus, it is on wheels!

Now it houses all the craft supplies I could possibly cram into it (decorative paper, felt, scissors, writing utensils, cards, laminator, chalk, glue, stapler, ribbons, etc).  Next to it, I hauled up a wicker chair from my basement for some additional seating which can also be pulled up to the new table.

Speaking of the new table, I wanted to go with a big farmhouse, chunky table.  My parents came and I put my dad to work immediately building me one.  

Look at him!  What a guy!

Once done, we brought it in and placed it right in the middle of the room.  I bought a nice sisal rug off of Rugs USA (they had a 70% off sale + free shipping) to anchor the table.  (I got a good teasing about having 8 rugs on this floor of our house from the hubs.  He hates rugs.  I love them.  I win.)

See what I mean about the new fireplace placement?  Its perfect!

But the table was not done!  I stained it with a mix of Minwax Weathered Grey (75%) and Minwax Dark Walnut (25%).  It looked really pretty but it was not quite the style I was going for.  Too dark and competed with other elements in the room.  So I white washed if like I did the new cabinet.  

Pic during the white washing process.

The top white washed.

Then I sealed it with 3 coats of clear Polycrylic.

I painted the skirting and legs white and the table was done.  

Pay no attention to that back wall.  Still working on the details there.

I bought two of these mid century modern style chairs off Overstock for the ends of the table.  I am still working on what to do for the rest of the chairs.  I will figure it out but have a few options I am considering (lucite, wood, benches).

I embellished the chandelier with some wooden beads I strung on fishing line.  I have more and plan on adding to it at some point.  

It is certainly coming together.  From here you can get a glimpse of the new gallery wall.  

I wanted to get Syd's silhouette up and I wanted to extend the gallery wall to wrap around the corner. Everything else was worked in going away from that point.

The furniture in this area was also rearranged.  Feels good to change things up.  They had been the same for SOOOOOO long.

I mean, come on....

I am thinking it is time for the blinds to go.  They seem too reddish now.

And there you have it.  Still a work in progress.  But it is coming along nicely.  What do you think?  Suggestions for side chairs or benches?

Am I ok?

If you have been following my blog or know me well, you probably know I have struggled with depression since I was in my teens (and probably before that).  I think the best way to explain the experience of enduring depression is to that of wading through a pool in which the water is waist high.  There is constant resistance to your movements.  No matter how quickly you try to move your legs, the water prevents you from crossing even short distances with any ease or speed.  Accomplishing even small tasks takes more energy than it is worth.  You actually wake up in a mild state of exhaustion before your day even starts.

Aside from the physical exhaustion, is the mental cloudiness.  A constant, heavy, thick low-hanging fog resides right in the center of your brain.  Preventing you from seeing situations clearly.  It is hard to get any perspective and your thoughts turn inward and all you can focus on is yourself.  And usually you focus on your shortcomings.   Or what you perceive to be your short comings.

As a result of the physical exhaustion and mental cloudiness, your relationships with other people suffer.  You have little patience and even less kindness.  This affects all areas of your life:  family, friends, co-workers.  But usually the people closest to you suffer the worst of it.

I started seeing therapists in my teens and found I had nothing to talk to them about.  I cried, usually uncontrollably, throughout my sessions and I felt worse after each one.  It seemed like I went through a cycle where I would try therapy like every 5 or 6 years.  Usually, it was as a result of some incident at school or work that drove me to seek help that no one could give me.  I have been on approximately 7 different antidepressants, either solo or in some dual form of therapy.  I have been on medication since I was 15 or 16.  I had tried to get off of medication various times but it never lasted longer than a few weeks.

They say hindsight is 20/20.  I did not really realize it at the time but I would say I was wading through waist deep water from the time I was 15 years old until the day I gave birth to my daughter when I was 34 years old.  Of course, there absolutely were periods of time when the water would only be knee deep but then for other periods of time (usually months) the water would be neck deep.  Honestly, it didn't phase me much because it was my "normal."

I am not sure what happened the day I gave birth to my daughter but I knew I was different.  I felt a change.  At first, I attributed it to the newness and excitement of having a newborn again.  Her whole birth experience and then the immediate post partum period was a breeze compared to the first time I had a baby.  She actually would breast feed and I assumed I was one of those women that get a hormone rush from breast feeding and that is why I felt so energetic and my head was so clear.

As the months went on, I waited for the water to rise again.  But to my surprise, it hasn't.  I can breathe deep and move swiftly.  I can make memories without a haze surrounding them.  I have ideas and the energy to act on them.

And I have been medication-free for 4 months now.  Longest ever since I was 15!  I feel like I won a race, a marathon!

I started to wonder if I swung into a manic phase.  With all this energy and motivation to do things.  But really, I think I finally feel free to live.  Finally free from that damn water that has held me captive.  And I am really enjoying this:)

But with this freedom, comes apprehension.  When will I relapse?  If I lose patience with my kids and yell at them or had a bad day at work and get really irritated, I wonder if it is happening again.  Am I ok?  Is this "normal" behavior or the behavior of a depressed person?  I hate that my mind goes there, but it does.

I guess I can either enjoy my emergence from the water, no matter how long or how brief it is, or live in constant fear I will go under again.  I think I will chose to enjoy:)  Why not?