The right now

I don't know why it is so hard for a person like me to live in the right now.  I have always had so many plans and dreams for myself, realistic or not, that I have been in a constant state of anticipation for the next step in my life.  Always working on advancing my career, the next DIY craft project or making and growing a baby;)  Not that this is always a bad thing, it can propel me forward toward my goals and keep me motivated.  However, living this way has caused me to stop enjoying the present because I was always reaching for the future.

This maternity leave has been just what I needed.  Not only do I have the most perfect little girl to get to know as well as spend more time teaching and watching my son grow and learn, I really, for the first time in forever, feel like I am living in the present.  Really feeling it....and enjoying it.

I am finding myself enjoying the activities of daily life that had seemed so monotonous and trivial to me just weeks ago.  Drinking a good cup of coffee, bath time and bedtime routines, making dinner.  I really can't explain or pin point what caused the shift in me.  Maybe I was waiting and longing for my daughter to join our family and now that she is here, I feel more complete.  Maybe it is the endless hours of nursing her that forces me to slow down.  Maybe it is this break from my job that I so desperately needed.  I don't know.

What I do know is that is feels good to live this way.  To feel everyday instead of rushing, rushing, rushing.  It's not that I don't have goals and dreams for the future anymore, I just don't feel in such a hurry to get there.

What am I enjoying today?  Easter basket shopping:)

 Yes, he has more stuff.  But he is older:)

Done except for a few hair pieces for Sydney that I ordered off of Etsy.

I seriously had so much fun buying Easter basket goodies.  And I realized that one day, my kids will be grown and I won't get to do things like buy Easter basket goodies.  They won't need me to bathe them or make them dinner or read them stories.  They won't wake me up at night or require my attention every second of the day.

Of course, this realization does not make being a mother any easier.  It is hard as hell to be a mom (or a dad).   There are moments that are absolutely maddening or gross (I don't know if my bathroom floor will ever be clean again) or exhausting.  But they are upstaged by the moments that melt your heart and fill you up with joy.

For the first time in a long time, I can say I don't know for sure what my future holds for my career or my family (Are we done having kids or not???).  I am just going to take it day by day and keep trying to live and enjoy the present the best I can.

Toddler Town 1, Mama 0

Oh Toddler Town has done it again.  Brought me to my knees.  How can one tiny little human make an adult feel so inadequate?  Parenting in Toddler Town is tough most days.

Now, I know that some people out there would give anything to be in my shoes, living in Toddler Town and expecting another bundle on the way.  I know, I have been there.  Which is why I continue to have an internal struggle between posting whiny parenting posts or only posting the positive parenting posts.  But even though I am so grateful for my blessings and sensitive to others who dream of the same fate for themselves, I try to remember that that does not make parenting any easier some days.  It is not all daisys and butterflies everyday.  Parenting a child is tough...and parenting a toddler it tougher.  And today was tough.  So this is a whiny parenting post, you were warned.

Exactly what set off the most recent round of toddler meltdowns is insignificant.  What is significant is the fact that my toddler is contrary to the nth degree.  He is so contrary that even when I get him what he just asked for 3 seconds prior, he suddenly does not want it and is utterly offended by my offering.  So contrary that he screams "NO" in my face two seconds after I tell him that it is not ok to scream in your mother's face while in the grocery store, just to see what I will do about it.

My toddler does not just observe life, he does not just live life, he feels life.  His emotions are so strong, sometimes I wonder if he is the pregnant one with out of control hormones.  He feels all his emotions to the nth degree.  Whether it is joy, anger, fear, happiness, sadness, love...they are all equal and all consuming.  Every cell in his body feels his emotions.  Sometimes I can't help but feel a bit bad for him.  Because he gets that from me.  Come to think of it, he gets most of his undesirable qualities from me, lucky him.  I know what he is in for.  It took years for me to calm my feelings enough so that they did not consume me and eat me from the inside out.  But it can be done.

And of course, like any toddler, he is trying to do everything "by myself" and exert his independence. He is testing his boundries...and pushing my buttons daily.

And sometimes, Mama just snaps.  And when Mama snaps, it is not pretty.  There may or may not be foot stomping and yelling and forced time outs.  There may or may not be banging of dishwasher trays and doors.  There may or may not be cabinet slamming while putting dishes away.  The dog may or may not be scared to leave her kennel.

But boy is it effective.  Some one was an angel the rest of the night.  Don't worry, we made up with me saying, "I love you" and him saying, "Lets be happy.  I am happy now."  And M&Ms.  M&Ms always help.

But we are ok.  We survived another day.  And we will continue to do so.

Bravery

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if 

he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father 

told him.” 

― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have recently seen my hubs teaching my son about "bravery."  Although you may not think picking up a bug, trying a new food or allowing your Mama to leave the room without you, trusting her to return to you, fits your definition of bravery, it certainly does in our house.  

But conversely, my toddler is teaching me some lessons on "bravery."  

This little man recently went on his first field trip, it was to the "farm."  I had talked it up all week.  Talked about how he would go to the farm and how fun it would be and about all the cool animals he would see.  When that Friday rolled around, he woke up that morning and said, "I go to the farm today."  I said, "yes, yes Sully.  You will go to the farm today."  But as I drove to him to school/daycare, he started to melt.  He started crying when I stopped in front of the familiar building saying, "No, I want to go to the farm!"  And no matter how many times I assured him that he would go to the farm that day, he didn't believe me.  Even  when Miss Deb told him that they had to wait for the bus to pick them up later to go to the farm, he looked dubious.  As if we suddenly changed our minds and scratched the whole trip.

I could hardly stand to envision him sitting, so little and sweet, on a big yellow bus.  Probably a big yellow bus identical to the ones that we see every morning, when discuss all the kids that must be on those buses.  I would imagine him sitting next to another little friend or a teacher, because I do not dare to imagine him sitting all alone.

I was told by his teacher (because I called as soon as I thought they would be back to ask about it) that he "had a really great time."  I was told that he played on the slides and swings and loved all the animals.  I was told that he "of course feel asleep on the bus ride home."  Which made me smile because he almost always falls asleep in the car.

Later, at home, the little Mister himself told me, "I feed the goats. Miss Kim hold the cup with food.  I feed the goats food."  And 2 weeks later, he still recalls this experience.

He took on this experience without batting an eye, without thinking twice about "what if."  He trusted that everything was going to be "ok" and "fun."  Like when he does trust falls off of the counter at home (and Thank God I always have been able to catch him).

Without his Mama or Daddy holding his hand.  What a champ.

And I let him go.  It is the first of countless field trips and adventures that he will take without me.  And I have to be alright with that.  It was great practice for me.  I did ok:)

We were both brave, and will continue to be brave.  Each in our own way.  Him pushing his way into this large world, seeking knowledge and experiences and trying to figure out just were he fits into it.  Me letting him do this, many times without me.

For now, I am going to enjoy when he comes home and tells me all about what he saw and what he did.  Because there will come a day when he won't tell me all about what he did and what he saw during his adventures.

And I will be ok with that.  But I will still be be there in case he does.

Tales from Toddler Town

Toddler Town has a special set of rules and regulations that I am still getting used to.  But there is certainly punishments and penalties for violating the laws.  Usually the punishment is in the form of a meltdown, a fall to pieces, a tension tantrum, a small pointer finger pointing in the wrong direction with a stern "stop it, no funny" to accompany it.

Of course these rules, regulations and laws are subject to change at anytime, day, minute or second.  You have to be on your toes if you are going to venture into Toddler Town.

For instance, today in Toddler Town, it is illegal to cut grilled cheese sandwiches in half and they must be eaten from the center.  They also need a side of ketchup that cannot be used.  See below.

On Sunday in Toddler Town, there was some coup activity.  No lie, it was the day I was dreading for months now.  This involved an overthrow of the previous sleeping arrangement that we were all so comfortable with for so long.  That's right, there was a climb out of the crib attempt.  The hubs and I did not feel comfortable chancing putting him back into the crib so we transitioned him to the big boy bed.  

It only took about 14 trips back up to his room to place him back into bed each time we saw him purposefully flip his little body out of bed (we were glued to our video baby monitor).  But he did fall asleep and slept all night until 6:00 this morning.  Nap time today was interesting.  I went in there about 10 times but he was relentless so I laid down next to him and he was sleeping in about 45 seconds.  He didn't even wake up when I got up and crept out of his room.  I also took a nap at the same time.  By the time realized he was up, he had been busy.  He had removed his pants and diaper, turned the light on and took the humidifier apart.  When I walked in, he says "I poopy."  You can imagine my panic and my mad search to make sure he did not drop a deuce on the floor and then stash it somewhere.  Luckily, there was no trace of such activity.  Phew.  We will see how tonight goes...

 Positive reinforcement for sleeping in the big boy bed (not bribery).

 He ate them one by one as fast as he could just in case I might change my mind and take them away.

 Then he had so much energy, he composed a delightful (loud) little number just for his Mama.

 No worries, I trimmed that hockey hair back to acceptable levels tonight during his bath this evening.

Happy Monday from Toddler Town!!

Epidemic

I am sick of it.  Seriously.  If only there were a vaccine against it.  Because just knowing it exists does not protect you from it.  It is such an epidemic and I just don't know what to do about it anymore.  It consumes me and exhausts me.

It is Mom Guilt (or Dad Guilt for you men).

You know, that voice that screams, "All good moms/dads stay at home with their babies", "Good moms/dads don't have to drop their kids off at daycare and watch as their kid cries and throws themself across the floor because they don't want you to go", "Good moms/dads cook a healthy, homemade dinner every night", "Good moms/dads don't watch any TV and play constantly with their children", "Good moms/dads never check their iPhone in front of their children", "Good moms/dads would make homemade Valentines and not cop out and buy them from Target"...and I could go on and on with working-mom Mom Guilt assaults.

Now, I know that I am a good mom.  I love my child with every fiber in my being and try to make the best choices for him.  I hug and kiss and tell him I love him constantly.  We laugh and chase and tickle often.  He is happy and thriving.  I can see that.  Why do I still have Mom Guilt????

Crazy thing is, despite the literal hours of my life I have spent berating myself for being a working mom, I am pretty sure I would be a lousy stay-at-home-mom.  I am positive I lack the patience, creativity and inspiration to be a great stay-at-home-mom.  And what is worse, I don't think that stay-at-home-moms are immune to Mom Guilt either.  So in the event that I could be a stay-at-home-mom, the damn Mom Guilt monkey would still be present!  Problem not solved. 

I have never had the opportunity, but I can imagine the stay-at-home Mom Guilt assaults, such as "Good moms/dads have a cleaner house", "Good moms/dads cook a healthy, homemade dinner every night", "Good moms/dads don't watch any TV and play constantly with their children", "Good moms/dads would always have the laundry done", "Good moms/dads never check their iPhone in front of their children", "Good moms/dads would make homemade Valentines and not cop out and buy them from Target", "Good moms/dads would volunteer their time more in their child's classroom", "Good moms/dads home school their child(ren)", "Good moms/dads can handle more than 1 or 2 children"... and on and on.

But here is what I am really afraid of, if I have more children, does the intensity of Mom Guilt double for 2 kids, triple for 3 kids, and so on?  God, I hope not.  I may be physically and mentally paralyzed.  Instead, my only hope is that it only adds like 10% extra guilt per child.  I think I could handle just a bit more before it breaks me in half.  That is the best case scenario.  I am sure I am greatly underestimating that, too.

What about you?  What do your Mom/Dad guilt assaults sound like?

Lets all laugh-cry together...

If you have a really laid back, easy child I am happy for you.  I really am.  I think it is super and I hope they stay that way. 

However, if your child is spirited/high maintenance/sensitive/particular/insertyourownajectivehere, then lets talk, shall we?  Or better yet, lets laugh-cry together. 

My friend Teresa sent me a link to an article that had me in an all out laugh-cry.  She said it reminded her of her oldest daughter and my son.  And I could not agree more.  The article was entitled, "46 Reasons My 3 Year Old Might be Freaking Out."  Go here and read it now. 





Are you back?  Are you laugh-crying yet?  Good.  We parents of these children really need a nice laugh-cry every now and then but mostly, we need to know that we are not alone in this odessy of child-rearing.  That there is an entire legion of these mini-dictators wreaking havoc on the daily lives of so many other sane, loving people.  And for reasons as ridiculous as the inability to lift a pumpkin (an actual freak out that Sully had...maybe that is why he hates pumpkin patches...), the car seat is weird, they don't know how to type, someone looked at them and they can't hold onto the keys while I am driving.

I would also like to add a few more...

We only have Sponge Bob fruit snacks instead of "Widdy" fruit snacks.

He can't get "Widdy" to sit on top of the dinosaur correctly.

I won't let him eat sand paper or dog food.

He wanted to go to Grandma's today, not school.

His parents are always trying to keep him "safe."

He never gets to play with real hammers and screwdrivers. 

I didn't put his beverage of choice in the right cup.

I didn't offer the right beverage in the first place.

He wanted to wear the brown hat.

The wind is making his hands cold but he can't properly shovel or drink his sippy with mittens on.

He wanted to watch a different Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode than the one I selected.




Feel free to add more...

Failures and Adjustments

Did you ever let your kid bathe in bath water that you knew, for a fact, that he peed in?  I did.  I know, I am losing "Mother of the Year" fast.  And I do feel guilty about it which is probably why I am confessing in blog fashion.

It was on Thursday.  I had just drawn up (that phrase is ridiculous and so old fashioned) a nice menthol bath for the booger-y boy.  I stripped him down and then after our standard game of nakey-baby chase, I plopped him in the bath.  His new thing now is that he won't sit right away, he has to stand until he decides he wants to sit (it does not matter how much I tell him how unsafe it is to stand in the bath).  And then, of course it happened.  A little stream was released.  It was not much but he clearly peed in the tub.  The last couple times it happened, I immediately removed him from the tub, emptied it and and refilled it with clean bath water.  I definitely thought about doing that.  But then I thought, "hey, its just a little pee.  I am going to go with it."

 In said pee bath.

So pale.

Of course, when he started threatening to lick the water I put my foot down and got him out of there.  

Still, I am finding myself torn between viewing it as a colossal parenting fail or wondering if I should pat myself on the back for being so chill about it.

That same night, I discovered that my auto focus on my beloved 50 mm ($350) lens is no longer functioning. 

Initially, I panicked and thought of sending it in for repair only to read online that it was going to be $150-200 to fix.  Instead, I decided I will become a master at manual focus.

So you will have to bear with me on this new challenge of my photography journey.

It has taken me 33 years to get to this point in my life.  To get to a place where imperfect and failure are not congruent with my self worth or even my happiness.  For this type A personality to succumb to the necessary task of picking my battles.  Even though, I may not always pick the right ones every time, I know that they are not all worth fighting.  That is exhausting and counterproductive.  And I am pretty happy to be where I am.  But I guess it means that sometimes you bathe your kid in known pee water.

Judgements, Expectations and then Reality

Before I had a child, I was a fantastic judge of others parenting styles.  So quick I was to internally (and sometimes externally) shake my head (smh- you're welcome).  I was so sure I would do it differently, correctly.  I was silently, methodically cataloging all the errors I saw other parents making and righting them in my brain, sure that I would do it better.

When I would talk to my brother and he would excitedly tell me, "Yeah Jack was hungry today, he ate 3 hot dogs!"  I would respond, "Wow, he was hungry!"  But in my mind I was thinking, why are you feeding a 16 month old 3 hot dogs?!


And I could go on and on about all the other times I silently judged, taking mental notes for when it was my turn and I could do it perfectly.

I was positive that I would be able to magically will my child to never have a tantrum in public, to go to bed without a fuss, to sleep seemlessly throughout the night, to eat healthy foods, to play quietly by himself, to not go through separation anxiety, to keep my house clean despite having a child and two pets, to make time for myself and my friends, to not disappear from the little social life I had, to not be a slave to a schedule, to still go on vacations and not feel bad about being away from my child because it is healthy to have time alone with your hubs, to not constantly bombard people with pictures of my kid, to be able to talk to my husband when we are alone and not have the conversation centered around what our baby did that day...all these things I knew for sure. 

(So delusional, I know)

And then it was finally my turn. 



It was here.  It was my turn right now.  To do everything perfectly, just as I had planned.

And after a very short time, this little nugget grew into this little man...



A little man with his own agenda that does not always jive with his Mama's. 

He throws tantrums in stores, throws most of the food I offer him onto the floor, refuses to eat anything but the occasional hot dog or PB&J and Goldfish crackers, HATES all fruit, has a set nap/sleep schedule that I do not want to mess with, throws his little body on the floor and wails like some one is murdering him if I leave the room, I have passed up opportunities to go on vacation so I can stay close to him, my kitchen floor will be sticky for another 18 years, my house looks like a daycare, I post pics of him to fb and here almost daily and all my conversations with my hubs start and end with Sully.

I let him eat chips, I hover over him sometimes, I don't always mean no when I say no, I buy him too many toys, I let him go outside without a hat on.  If he wanted 3 hot dogs in one sitting, I would happily oblige.

Basically I look at him through rose colored glasses.

The old me would have seen lots of mistakes, mentally righted them and promised to never do those things.  The old me would continue to judge others parenting, seeing only their errors (or what I perceived as errors) rather than seeing all the sacrifice and love.

Thankfully, that is not me anymore.  I give all parents a break, including myself, now.

So lets all go eat some hot dogs.

Friend's Kids

It is funny how life comes full circle.  How you go from being that little blond-haired kid who is buzzing around your parents while they host another holiday gathering, birthday celebration or get-together just because with their friends to being the ones who are hosting or attending another holiday gathering, birthday celebration or get-together just because with your own friends with littles buzzing around your heels.  It is so surreal.  It is so life.

We headed to Milwaukee this weekend for our friends' daughter's 3rd birthday celebration.

This one is included so you can see the shark in prime form.

For all of you that are freaked out about dogs around kids, don't look at this one.  No, Turbo absolutely did not bite him or grab his food out of his hand.  She was just ready in case he dropped something.

Just checking to see if any more boys are coming to the party...

 Checking one last time.

Not a boy, but she is a baby and he loves babies!

Sully hugs are too cute!

So gentle an interaction between these three.  Made my heart hurt.

And just how it is amazing and joyful to watch your own kids grow, learn and develop their own personality, it is pretty cool to see your friends' kids doing the same.  Just as you have a bond of love between your child and yourself, you also have almost an immediate bond between your friends' kids.  You see little glimpses, or lots of glimpses, of your own friends in them.  And life repeats itself.

 Yes, he dressed up for the party.  He didn't even know there would be a pinata!

Yes, he is surrounded by girls and lots of girl things but he is cool with it.  

The birthday girl.  Yes, she picked out her own outfit.

We lug our own kids' bubble gum pink antibiotic with us where ever we go.  We don't go out to the bar much these days.  We drink comfortably at home, surrounded by littles.  We go to bed earlier than we ever have.  We might be up 1-2 hours during the night because our kid won't go back to bed and then our dog is pacing.  And then we wake up super early to these little faces.

She is the only one who can get him to eat blueberries.  Also, note the proximity of the shark.

 Circle of life.