Farm Friends

On Saturday we took a trip to Eugster's farm in Stoughton with a cousin, some Aunties and Uncle and Grandma and Dave.  It was pretty adorable...

(Bear with me, it was the first time I picked up my camera in weeks and the lighting was harsh.)

 Gobble gobble.

 That grey goose up there got the hubs good.  As he was leaning over the rail to look at the goose and ducks, the goose poked his head through the fence and "bit" his knee.  AKA he was "goosed."

Bye birds.

 This duck was swimming in a pond with little fish and one giant catfish.  It was gross.

 I mustache you a question.

They have an extensive array of play sets there.

 Basketball head needed help...

 Sully was right on that.

Next up, baby goats and bottles!

I could hardly even stand to watch this, too cute!

 Creepy goat eyes.

 What good helpers we have.

 "Hey Pony!"

Thanks Eugster's, we had a blast!

Fall is coming...

Just as the suffocating, heavy heat and humidity rear its ugly head again this week, I was delivered this little slice of heaven right in my mailbox today.

It is full of beautiful colors and pages dedicated to autumnizing your life and home.

And with this comes the promise of cooler days, crisp nights, apple picking adventures, layers of sweaters and quilts, cider, pumpkin patch freak outs and lots and lots of football watching.

Pumpkin patch freak out preview...

"Mom, no picture!  Stop it!"

I am not sure if you have ventured into Hobby Lobby yet, but it is already fall AND Christmas in there.  I just had to pick up some fall bling...

I apologize for the blurriness, my camera was apparently dazed by the sparkles.  I can't blame it, they are dazzling and the most beautiful "sunflowers" I have ever seen.  Can't wait to use them in this year's fall vignette.  See last year's fall vignette here.  Anyway, I am pretty excited.  Off to scour Pinterest for some ideas.

"I need to go to the Packer game."

Until I can get the energy to start up some creative projects, and believe me, I have lots of ideas, you will have to be satisfied with vids of my adorable toddler.  Recently, he has decided that he has to "go to the Packer game."  And he is dead serious.  He packs up this little back pack with "tools" (ie paint brush, toy drill, plastic hammer and level) and he is ready to go.  Like for real.  Cue the meltdown when we break it to him that we are not going to go to the Packer game.  (Don't worry, I left out the meltdown part from the vid) Enjoy:)

Damn you Subway!

I promise you that every post will not focus around this pregnancy but I feel like I have to share this ridiculousness I encountered recently.

Also, I am aware that lunch meat is not recommended for pregnant women due to the nitrates in them.  So please don't feel the need to inform me of this fact.  I got it.

But sometimes you have a craving so strong, you have to give in.

I have been craving a pizza sub from Subway for 2 weeks now.  With American cheese, tomatoes and salt and pepper.  Cold, not toasted or microwaved.

Last Thursday the hubs had his championship softball game and Sul insisted on going.  Fine, but that meant no dinner for me as I had to change and rush out the door to get to the game on time.  After the game, I could barely talk or think, so.freaking.hungry.  I NEEDED a pizza sub.

I dropped the hubs and Sul off at home and drove to one of the Subways in town.  There was a family of 5 getting subs and one lonely worker there to make all the subs (super slow) and ring them up.  As I was waiting for them to get their order, I look at the glass right in front of me.  There was a sign saying:

We are currently out of the following:
Meats:
Meatballs
Turkey
Ham
Roast beef

Cheese:
American
Pepper jack
Provolone

Veggies:
Olives

We are currently purging our inventory in anticipation to restock.

REALLY?!?!  Just to be sure, I asked the worker if there was a possibility of getting a pizza sub and he said no.  I composed myself on the outside and walked out but inside, I was a hormonal, murderous rage.  Beyond upset.  And.still.so.hungry.

As I was driving home, I realized all was not lost!  There was another subway on the other side of town!  I drive there.  It was 8:52 pm, they were supposed to be open until 9.  I get to the door and it is locked.  Two teenage boys are cleaning up and putting things away.  AHHHHHHHH!  Clearly the world is against me or I am in a twilight zone.

Fast forward to Saturday, the craving is still going strong.  This time, I go to the second Subway first, the one with the 2 teenage boys, in case the first one didn't get restocked yet.  It was 3 pm in the afternoon.  I get there and the place is locked and dark.  The hours on the door clearly state Saturday 8:00 am to 9:00 pm.  WTH?

So I drive over to the other Subway and again, the place is closed and dark.  There is a small typed up sign on the door stating that the owner has decided to close their Subways in the town.

I nearly bawled.  How is this possible?  I am STILL dying for a pizza sub!

About the loss...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the well wishes!  You are all so kind!  (If you missed the announcement, go here!)

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you may or may not recall my infertility post.  It was a bit of a struggle (not as much as some people, I know) to conceive Sully.  I was a little nervous that could be the case again, whenever we decided to add to the family.  But then again, it seemed like my body was working normally after the Sully pregnancy so I also knew there was a chance that it was going to happen right away.
Sully turned 2 in November and by January/February, we I knew it was time to try again.  I am 33 and that gave me almost 2 years before I turned 35- the dreaded "advanced maternal age" where your pregnancy is high risk simply due to your age.  Shockingly, I became pregnant by the end of February.  I was beyond excited!  I thought it was a "sign" that this baby was due on my birthday, November 18!  How cool!

But 4 days after the positive test, there were warning signs that things were not normal.  I had intense back pain (which can be very normal in early pregnancy) but in addition, there was bleeding.  This prompted a call to my doctor which prompted (eventually) lots of lab draws.  Two days after the bleeding started, I had even more, massive bleeding.  That was on March 17th.  A Sunday.  I was positive I miscarried and was thankful that my bleeding subsided the next day.  I was grateful it was over and I could try again next month.  But my doctor insisted on monitoring my HCG (pregnancy hormone) to make sure it fell to 0.  And thank God she did.  I may owe my life to that.

On Monday, my hormone level had more than quadrupled.  But it was still very low for how far along I was.  Every 2-3 days, I had blood draws.  Each draw was rising appropriately, but again was too low.  I started having left side pain on and off.  Not enough to make me double over, but enough to notice.  So I called my doctor, knowing that I was having a lot of symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy.  An ectopic pregnancy is one where a the fertilized egg implants in a different location than in the uterus.  Such as the ovary, abdominal cavity, cervix or, most commonly, the fallopian tube.  This a life threatening situation as it can burst and cause internal bleeding severe enough to be fatal.  And it can happen very quickly.  After I called my doctor about the pain, I immediately got in for an ultrasound.  But it was still pretty early and no pregnancy was seen in the uterus or anywhere else for that matter.  There was an odd fluid collection, pseudo sac, in my uterus.  My regular doctor was out for this so I saw a new one and he was hopeful it was an early gestational sac.  Another ultrasound was scheduled for a week later.

It was a horrible long wait with lots of confusing emotions.  Fear for what it could be.  Hope for what it could be.  Happy to still be pregnant.  Scared it may not result in a healthy pregnancy.  A major emotional roller coaster after I felt like I had already dealt with an assumed miscarriage, but it wasn't.

I continued to have lab draws and my number continued to rise but only the bare minimum, nothing more.  My follow up ultrasound showed the same pseudo sac, no baby at all.  I could also see the tech looking at something by my left ovary.  I asked her where it was she was looking and she told my it was my left fallopian tube.  At this point, I had no doubt it was ectopic but I can't explain the slight bit of denial I was having.  I just so didn't want it to be an ectopic, of all things.  In my head, I knew it was but my heart could not accept it.  By this point, I had read so much on ectopics, I knew that they can *sometimes* resolve themselves.  So when my doctor recommended the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy, I hesitated and declined it.  In hindsight, this was a very poor decision on my part.  Again, I was in a certain state of denial.  Somehow, my new doctor agreed to this with my promise that I would go to the ER immediately with s/s concern (ie dizziness, severed abdominal pain, shoulder pain, rectal pain, etc).  I actually went to Milwaukee for the weekend.  Again, probably another very poor decision.

By Monday, April 8th, when I was 8 weeks along, I finally came to my senses and requested the shot.  My new doctor insisted on one more lab draw and one more ultrasound.  This time, the "something" in my left tube was bigger and there still was no baby in my uterus.  My levels had rose to beyond the threshold that the shot would work.  The back pain came back suddenly that day and my new doctor told me to get to the hospital immediately.  He met me there, with his kind, sad eyes and told me I needed to have surgery that night.  His intern was with him too, also with his kind, sad eyes nodding that this was what had to be done.  It was exactly 3 years to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Sully.  Again, the emotions were very confusing.  I knew this would not result in a healthy pregnancy for either myself or the baby but I still felt so much guilt about having to have the surgery.  Like I was killing that poor baby, not giving it a chance at all.  To the normal person, these feelings probably make no sense but it was truly what I was feeling at the time.  I had the surgery that night to remove the pregnancy and my left tube and left the hospital the next day not pregnant anymore.  I took the week off and slept for days.

You would think the whole ordeal would be over by then, right?  Nope, I still had to do weekly blood draws to track my HCG back down to zero.  It took 4 weeks after surgery to get there.  But I got there.

I look back at my decisions and cringe a little.  At the time, all my decisions seemed logical and normal.  I am so very lucky that I escaped that experience in the shape I did.  It could have been so much worse!

It was a tough time in my life and I am so thankful to be past that.  I take with me a greater compassion for others, deeper respect for life and the difficult realization that sometimes bad things happen for no reason, even to me.  I share this here to give hope or comfort to anyone who has had a loss.  Because even though bad things happen, miracles happen, too.

I have a good excuse, I promise!!

My poor, poor blog.  I have been neglecting you pretty bad lately.  An entire month with no post:(

I assure you it is not because I have not been working day and night on creating something wonderful.

Something that has taken all of my energy to grow....

This comes on the heels of a devastating loss in April of this year (which I will share more about soon).  Needless to say we are ecstatic!  Making a human is lots of hard work.  This pregnancy has not been very nice to me so far.  I am far more exhausted and sick with this one than with my Sully pregnancy.  But I am nearing the corner for better days to come...I hope!

Cannot wait to cuddle and snuggle with a newborn this winter!