In case you are wondering if I know, I actually do. I really do know just how lucky I am. That I am living the life I am, with my wonderful little family. Every single day I am thankful, don't think I don't think about that, because I do.
This is a post about infertility.
I am not posting about this for sympathy or any "I'm sorry"s or as a pity party. This post is for those who have gone through infertility or are going through it or may someday go through it or who knows some one who is going through it. Because the most helpful, comforting thing for some one who is going through it is to TALK about it with some one else who also has journeyed through or is enduring the pain of infertility.
I always knew I wanted kids. In fact, I thought I wanted 4 kids, all before I was 30. It is very possible that if my husband would have wanted kids sooner, we would have been parents long ago and maybe even several times over, maybe. But he was not totally on board the baby train and I had goals and dreams which included lots of schooling so I was content keeping busy with achieving my goals, as well as living a charmed social life. I thoroughly enjoyed my 20s, our 20s, living selfishly just for us. However, as is the case with so many other women, as that 30th year marker was approaching, I started getting anxious. I started wanting a child or children. And, call it intuition, I had a feeling that I was going to have trouble getting pregnant so I wanted to get this "show on the road."
I finally convinced the hubs it was time and he agreed. I stopped my birth control in February 2009. I was 29. The first few months were fun, exciting. But one month turned into two, and two into three, until it was August. At that time, I decided to see my doctor because I only had one cycle that whole time. My doctor had thrown out the possibility that I had PCOS so she did some hormone and insulin testing. A few of my labs were just slightly off so she suggested I start Metformin, a diabetic medication, which would get my insulin and blood sugar levels under better control which would, in turn, get my other hormones aligned which would allow my body to have regular cycles. I was excited to start this and so happy some one was actually helping me achieve my most important goal.
Unfortunately, the Metformin did not achieve the desired effect and I still was not getting cycles. Before I knew it, it was November and I turned 30. My 30th birthday was rough. Even though I had accomplished so much in my life- happily married to my soul mate, bought a house, earned my BS and MSN and had a job I actually liked, I could only focus on what I had not yet accomplished, becoming a mother.
In January 2010, I saw a different doctor to talk about fertility medication. She thought that clomid would help since my problem was that I was not ovulating- no ovulating=no baby. Great, lets start the clomid! Just one thing, the hubs had to be tested before they would give me the meds. What?!? You mean, he has to.....oh no, he will never do that! So I made the appointment for him and went home with my head down knowing there was little chance he would agree to such a thing. In the end, he eventually did it and they let me start the clomid.
I will just say here that, yes, we did consider adoption, and still do to this day as an option to grow our family. Adoption is a long process and we thought we would give the clomid 3 months before we started the adoption route.
So I was ready to start the clomid but you can't start the clomid until you have a day 1 of your cycle so I had to take 10 days of progesterone to induce a period. (I had already taken several courses of this in the past months to try to "jump start" my system with no success) Then I had to take clomid on days 3-7 of my cycle. I had to take estrogen for several days after that. Then I had to get blood drawn at certain days of the cycle to see if ovulation actually occurred. It showed I did not ovulate in the time frame they thought I would, but I did later than they expected. I did not get pregnant that first cycle but at least I had a cycle- big accomplishment! They upped my dose of clomid for the second cycle and success!!!! It happened, in April 2010 I found out I was pregnant! You know the rest of the story so I won't elaborate from there.
The day I found out I was pregnant, one of my best friends called me to tell me she was pregnant. She had known she was pregnant for a week and partly didn't believe it and, I think, partly did not want to tell me because she knew I was having trouble. It was crazy and I said, "yeah, and I have something to tell you. I am pregnant, too!" I am sure a lot of people thought we "planned" it to be pregnant at the same time and have a baby at the same time, but I assure you, that was not the case!
With any difficult journey you take in life, I think it is important to learn something from it. What did I learn and take away from the experience?
1- no one can say anything to make you feel better about it, especially statements like "you just need to relax" or "oh, it will happen" are NOT helpful. Also not helpful "God has a plan" or other variations of trusting in God. I am not a religious person so statements like that are not comforting.
2- it does not matter if you have been trying for 3 months or 36 months, wanting so badly for a child and not being able to have one is painful all the same.
3- I am acutely aware of just how fortunate and lucky I am and I will never take that for granted.